On Consistency and Showing Up for Myself

mentally, i'm here

4:25 p.m.

I am challenging my self.

challenging my ability to show up --for myself.

i know i struggle with consistency

and lets be honest, discipline, too.

so this challenge, that i randomly thought of yesterday is an exercise for me

to show up

for me

to show me

that i can do hard things

that i can actually in fact do the things that i struggle to do

show up -- for myself.

with myself.

because, somewhere along the way

I have lost myself

I know I have wanted to unlearn, relearn

break the social conditioning

reprogram

which i did, I think

but is that process ever done,

or is it just part of life?

in 2024 i left my full time job to pursue my dreams

entrepreneurship

start my own thing

have my own thing

be my own boss

but that's officially part of the zeitgeist now

so if anything, I'm really following the trends out there

listening to folx out there

we all want a piece of the pie.

it is competietive as fuck

and meta runs the show

and all meta loyalists

me, to no avail.

I am the breaker of algorhtms

at least, that's what i tell myself

entrepreneurship has bee the hardest thing

well, it always feels like the hardest thing

because you're actively living it

that's what i said about grad school

that's what i said about certain jobs i held

when you are new to something

everything is a challenge

you have to try it anyway

so after months/years of trying to entrepreneur

here i am

still trying

year 2 officially over

and not where i thought id be

its been a real struggle

often I've written about it

and i think that's just it

that even in my undoing

in trying to figure out my business purpose

what i wanted to do

its always been about helping people

this nebulous type of person that "i'm supposed" to help

"create your niche"

"be super specific about the person you want to help"

their issues

their situation

the same stupid formula

blah blah blah

i did that

i've tried a lot of things

to no avail.

its also hard to do this when you feel the crushing weight of having to make income

to survive.

to pay for food.

rent.

my ability to LIVE HOUSED.

wtf.

that's been another BIG challenge.

later i'll write about financial hyper independence and the lessons i've learned there

bc i had me

for a long time

even tho i have made some purchasing mistakes that i have regretted

i have the ability to learn

to be accountable for myself

but, to rely on someone else?

to co-budget

wow.

talk about a hard lesson, i am STILL learning.

for now, i am grateful and thankful for him.

to be taken care of in this way.

the only other person that has cared for me like this has been my mother.

and i'm learning to lean in to that

to trust,

him.

bc this girl has daddy abandonment trust issues

but my partner

he is not my dad

and day in and day out

he shows me he is not like my dad

so i have to stop holding him up against someone who wasn't there for me

or my family

he, is there for me now

and, he put a ring on it

my fiancee.

and while i am not bringing the same income that i was before

that is another unlearning

who am i without my ability to make money,

to support myself financially?

that was a tough reflection question.

right now, i haven't been able to do that well

and it hasnt been becasue of lack of trying

rather, a whole lot of rejection

and its giving me a whole new perspective on what if means to live without financial means and resources

its been hard for me

its been hard for us

but i know we are not alone on this endeavor.

so part of my consistency journey will be to document all my efforts

challenges

attempts to problem solve

and learning notes

i am always learning

always growing

evolving

I am a pokemon!!!

I think ima leave that like this for now.

because, the goal is to show up

write

and post

whatever is on my mind, heart, and soul

here's a qucik list, of the things currently on my mind:

growth

overcoming adversity

mental health

mental illness

pmdd

cycle syncing

money

money tracking

money psychology

money survival

dreaming

manifesting

teal orgs

leadership

self leadership

embodiment

learning and developing skills:

cooking

home maintenance

loving my senior dog

HOTD, GOT

reading

thriving human blue print

friend gang intelligence group

connecting, did i say that already?

making friends

showing up for myself.

being my own friend.

This is embodiment practice.

till next time.

A recovering (from a virus respiratory illness) Miri