Consistency—Day 3: SI, Shame, and Enduring
A note before you read: this piece talks openly about shame, suicide, and suicidal ideation. Take care of yourself first.
I am tired.
I feel drained.
I kept questioning whether I really wanted to come here and write.
No one reads my blog anyway, I thought
EXCEPT
One person who subscribed to my newsletter after posting about my blog this week
after months of tumbleweeds up in here.
And, if this isn't redundant already,
the exercise I am doing here is
embodiment practice.
Self-leadership.
Keeping word and intention for yourself.
Showing up for you.
Showing up, for me.
So, I reminded myself:
my word, show up.
Whatever that looks like today.
10 mins is what I am giving myself to start.
What can I do in 10 mins?
What can I write?
For me, writing is cathartic,
and it helps me process my life.
I am an avid journaler,
hence why I have journal products in my shop.
And I often wonder why I decided to come write here,
on my website,
in this here blog.
And the answer is connection.
I am looking for connection.
Connection with other humans
who may resonate with what I have to say.
I think people forget how easy it is to make someone's day,
and I have to tell you
the person that subscribed from my blog post,
I don't know who you are,
but I would like to meet you,
and connect with you.
And I am just delighted that my words moved you enough to hit subscribe.
You have no idea how much that means to me,
You truly made my day
and so I want to thank you,
and hope to meet you someday
even if virtually.
In the meantime,
I am already feeling a vibe and vision of how I want this next iteration of writing to be.
I was posting on Substack for a bit,
but my reach is small.
And throughout my creator journey for the past two years,
I have felt a lot of rejection.
From low reach.
Low conversion.
Low engagement.
And when I say low,
I mean zero to low.
I know I am never gonna go viral.
I'm not that type,
and that's acceptance.
Because before picking up writing again,
I was ready to give up.
I was ready to give up my creator journey.
My entrepreneur journey.
My own boss journey.
My I-want-to-help-people-coaching-business journey.
I feel like I have failed in all my attempts,
and that.....
is a really hard pill to swallow.
It can be hard.
It can be so hard.
Who can relate?
Remember this song:
Yeah.
That hard.
And for a while I was holding this in.
Because — what do you mean you feel this?
And oh boy, the shame that I feel because of it.
I am an existential nihilist.
That's a consistent characteristic of my inner world.
And the way the state of the world is going,
well, let's just say that I was having a hard time wanting to stick around for it.
This is heavy.
People don't know how to talk about this,
how to hold space for it,
or how to be there for someone going through it.
I feel really bad.
Weird.
Foreign.
Un-relatable.
Even now, I wonder if it's the right thing
to share this here.
What if someone I know reads this?
What will they think?
What will they say?
Will they judge me?
Will they understand?
Will they feel sorry for me?
And, the honest truth —
of the people in my circle,
no one is really talking to me.
No one is reading my stuff.
So that concern
feels... less concerning,
because I have this faith
that the people in my circle won't actually ever read this.
And if they do,
it's not like we're talking about anything substantial anyway.
It's been a weird year.
I think this is also my way
of saying to someone:
you can talk to me about this.
I can empathize.
I can understand.
I have capacity to hold space for this.
Perhaps this can be an invitation to connect.
The more I reflect,
the more I realize my processing style —
as a 2/4 hermit in human design.
It's emotional.
It's deep.
It's complex.
It's interconnected.
Am I fated to feel this lonely in my journey?
Do others feel like this?
Where are you?
So me writing about it is twofold.
One — it's my truth.
Not talking about it.
Not writing about it.
Not expressing it.
Not naming it —
makes the feeling of shame stronger.
Shame survives on silence.
So I am bringing it front and center.
And that is hard.
I am afraid of judgment.
But I know I have to face this fear.
If my mother ever found out,
I feel that it would make her sad.
It makes me sad.
But denying and burying this experience
also makes me sad.
Yes, it's a private matter.
But having lost two people in my life to suicide,
understanding the taboo around this,
the stigma,
the shame —
so. much. shame.
But like...
didn't we all watch KPop Demon Hunters?
That's literally what the whole movie is about!!!
SHAME.
So, to an extent,
I feel like my process of writing here,
to the internet void,
is my way of processing my experience.
Of showing the world my patterns.
The way Rumi did.
Of seeing if anyone out there in the world —
heck, maybe you're in my circle and never knew this,
or perhaps you too feel shame around this and don't know how to talk about it.
I want the relationships where we can talk straight up about this,
even if it's weird,
even if it's uncomfortable.
And knowing the stats around this,
I know I am not alone in this feeling.
But perhaps
I am the only one willing to actually speak it out loud,
as my truth.
This is a big thing in my life,
one I am still learning to understand,
and one that Lexapro has helped me better manage.
I am processing this without a professional because I can't afford it.
I am actively trying to practice all the things I learned with my EMDR therapist,
and if I could, I'd want to go back to her now.
But I can't afford it.
And that's one of the primary drivers of my dark feelings.
I'ma start calling it the dark passenger, like Dexter,
because it's not the first time I feel like this.
It's a dark shadow
that lives in me.
Because this world
would rather see me dead.
It would rather see people die.
And I think that is so sad.
If you've read this far,
you are a real one,
and I appreciate you.
It would mean a lot to me if you send a signal,
because it often feels like you are speaking to the void.
And, maybe you're lurking.
Maybe you know me.
Maybe you just met me.
And this is too dark for you,
or you don't understand it.
I respect and understand that,
and hope that you can practice empathy.
Because, again,
the public health stats show us that this is a shared human experience,
becoming increasingly common,
and a leading cause of death.
And I think that's incredibly sad,
and we must do something about it.
I hope we can do something about it.
And if you are actively in this mental state
I hope that you manage to endure
It's not easy
I know it's hard
I know you feel like no one understands
I know you feel alone
I know you want it to stop
I know you've tried all that you could
Endure
Use any resource you can (see below).
I send love and hope
and a prayer that you will endure and overcome.
---
And you don't have to sit in it alone.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Call or text 988. Anytime.
Crisis Text Line.
Text HOME to 741741.
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