A First-Gen Latina Solo Femme-preneur: On anti-capitalist entrepreneurship, liberation-centered leadership, and the cost of doing business differently

I had no idea entrepreneurship would be the end of me.

What profound changes have occurred upon the turn of seasons.

Why I Left Everything Behind

From the very beginning, I knew I wanted to do "business" differently.

After all, there's a reason I left the career I spent years building. There's a reason I studied and mastered Organizational Leadership. There's a reason I took a course on Disruptive Strategy at Harvard Business School. And there's a reason why I ditched my first master's in Public Administration.

To work differently.

I am the most intentional person I know. I have always wanted to change the world and leave it a better place. To help people who were like me—low SES, grew up in poverty, broken homes, first-gen, low resources, disconnected from knowledge, resources, and wealth. Yet eager to learn, grow, and work hard to achieve my dreams of changing the world.

When I went to Berkeley to study and live, I was one of the first in my family to study so "far away from home." The only other person I knew who had traveled hundreds of miles that far north was my grandfather, who was part of the U.S. Bracero program and worked the fields for less than a dollar and inhuman treatment by the employers.

I was 17 and off to a new world. Just like my grandfather, but under very different circumstances. It's because of him that I was able to pursue the opportunities life has granted me.

I learned and saw stark inequality as I expanded my horizons, traveled across California, and experienced different cities. Studying sociology, psychology, public administration, and finally organizational leadership showed me the systems weren't broken—they were working exactly as designed.

This is in California, one of the wealthiest states in the world. Yet there is so much vast, horrendous inequality.

It's not right.

It's been over 15 years since… but this realization didn't come to me immediately. I gave a lot of benefit of the doubt where it shouldn't have been given.

Now that I have seen it, I can no longer unsee it. The bell is ringing loudly and persistently.

It's been over 15 years, yet… not much has changed in our society.

It's unbelievable.

It's disappointing.

It's disheartening.

Build What Doesn't Exist

I'm gonna share this video lecture that deeply moved and inspired me in my early 20s. It's Peter Sellars—renowned theatre director, UCLA professor who teaches Art as Social Action, and a key figure in theatre and opera for the last 50 years—speaking in a food movement class at UC Berkeley, more than 10 years ago.

You listen to it and not. much. has. changed.

Literally, you wouldn't know this was delivered over 10 years ago, because what he describes then is actually in a much worse state today.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LIVeyz2y4g

And that angers me so much.

Something that has stuck with me since I first listened to this:

"Build what needs to be built. Build what does not exist."

And so that's why I'm doing this.

I am someone who hates inefficiency; a broken process seriously throws me off. The Virgo/Capricorn, AuDHD, logistician, and conscientiousness in me—there's no escape.

Knowing that about myself, though, has helped me navigate the world better. Awareness of oneself is instrumental in navigating this world.

So, when I committed myself to my employer, can you really blame me?

How Employers Get You

Inspired, spunky, and eager to break down broken systems, I worked my way up the leadership ladder in non-profit and health and human services. I thought I was really helping people. But the more I climbed the ladder, the more I saw how many of these places and safety net systems actually perpetuate systemic inequity.

I felt so complicit.

With COVID-19 and the trauma it brought, I lost myself.

I was involved in an incredible, life-changing program—not only for me, but it was the largest COVID-19 homeless response program in the entire country. We helped deliver life-changing interventions to incredibly vulnerable populations during an incredibly difficult public health crisis, which resulted in our publication in the American Journal of Public Health.

What a feat! I thought I was surely on the right path, but that was a temporary emergency project brought on by the pandemic. Once the funding ran out, I ended up with two jobs that were deeply misaligned and it burned me the fuck out.

Once you see, you can't unsee.

Once you work differently, you can't go back to "how things used to be."

I refuse.

And that's ultimately one of the ways employers dominate you. When you don't have an identity, when you are so far away and stripped of your soul, your being, your purpose—you are docile, malleable, and easily influenced (go read Michele Foucault). When I thought, "I made it," I ended up selling my soul to the various employers I had.

But they weren’t holding my hand to the fire, and that, my friends, is where sociology, psychology, some anthropology, history, systemic knowledge, and industrial and organizational psychology come in to play.

The more I decolonize my thinking and my work, the more I realize mental health and the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)—all of it—it's pathologizing anyone who refuses to comply with the status quo. Standardization, sameness, all of that is better for the machine. So we are stripped from our individuality from a very early age. Unless you're lucky enough to have parents with this awareness and resources who ensure you live life differently.

I am a Mexican-American. A deep, dark, horrible history here. One I didn't learn and fully comprehend until later in my life. My ancestors were murdered and forced to assimilate into a culture and religion that were not ours. That’s a hard reality to accept. And this is an identity I refuse to hide and bury as previous generations did.

I wish I had this lesson earlier on in life… Career and money don't equal life.

But poverty and the weight of the capitalist hand are violent and vengeful.

We're at an Inflection Point

 [What's an inflection point, you ask? It means we are at a crossroads, and shit is gonna hit the fan.]

The world, humanity, society, the working world—everything is at an inflection point.

If you are not feeling this, you are severely disconnected or self-pursuing.

For those of us empaths, HSPs, witches, energy workers, astrologers, analytical and observant—we have long seen this coming. LONG.

One of the reasons I left the 9-5 was my frustration with bureaucracy, broken systems, bad "leaders," and the misalignment and lack of integrity. I fought myself so much on this, at the risk of losing everything I had worked for.

I made it. I'm a director. I have the corner office. I have the fancy car. I was published. I worked at an international NGO.

And I left it all behind because it was so deeply misaligned, and compromised my integrity.

How I Molded Myself to Fit

Over the years, I molded myself to be the perfect employee because I wanted to climb the career ladder. At 25, based on my skill set and interests, I set my sights on a COO role at a mission-driven organization. I was smart, ambitious, and orgs didn't know what to do with this.

Gosh, how I wish I had a coach or a mentor during my 20s when I was fumbling and flailing. There were so many times I needed help, advice, guidance, connections, resources, sponsorship—and I didn't get it. And I didn't have the money to get it for myself.

Except for a few (and I mean very few) strong leaders who actually helped guide my path. In general, my ambition was pushed down:

"Stay in your lane."

"Earn your colors."

"You're too young."

Straight up "no."

And this was before everyone's entire lives were televised on social media, so gatekeeping was even more rampant.

I feel that I allowed my employers to shrink me. And I knew it, I felt it. Putting me in a box. Dimming my light. Yet, my own immediate family told me I complained a lot, and that I just had to get used to employers sucking. Jobs asking for more than they give.

Isn't that the worst advice you've ever heard?

But considering I have empathy and the ability to understand complexity and the varied human experience, I knew that my family and their trajectory were very different from mine. For them, job = money = food = shelter = security = survival. Oh, and let's not forget, health care is tied to jobs in America.

The system here is rigged, all around.

And here I am, "risking" it all. And telling it all.

And I have to tell you, watching from afar, continuing to see the shit show and the revolving door—well, some people, some orgs, they don't learn. They don't change. They don't grow.

The thing is, I am ahead. My soul has known what's to come. I feel it. I have always felt it.

And me? I love learning. And I have deep integrity.

So when things don't line up, I'm uneasy.

The Biggest Lesson in Becoming

Entrepreneurship has been the biggest lesson in becoming. And honestly, I don't think I'm done.

I am undergoing an intense spiritual death. Part of me is dying. I feel like a snake shedding its skin. I am tired, hopeless, and struggling.

I have had to learn rejection. Self-trust. Self-esteem. Self-empowerment. To put your ideas out there. To fail on your plans.  To be afraid. To try any way.

While this is the happiest I've been, it's also the brokest I've been—which is making me reconsider this entire entrepreneurship endeavor.

In order to continue to pay my bills, I need to get a job, because my Thriving Human work is not sustaining me.

And for that, I feel like I have failed.

In the Dark Abyss

For the past few weeks, since the turn of the fall equinox, really, I've been in a dark abyss, fighting myself with what step to take, what to do, how to make money. How to make this dream sustainable. I don't want to give it up. I don't want to do office work. I want to do the people work.

Gosh, I hate this world.

I don't understand how I'm trying to genuinely help people, and it's the happiest I've been, but this doesn't produce money. It seems that only evil, exploitative people prevail.

Earth is so ghetto.

See, when I started my business, I knew I wanted to do business differently. I am anti-capitalist. Yes, I want money so I can maintain my livelihood and experience the world, but I also want to reinvest that money back into the work I'm doing. I want to see well-being economies, gift economies, and mutual aid networks. I want to do action research and help establish community-based economics. I want to have a regenerative business model. I want to help people do this in their businesses.

I am so ahead of where everyone else is at. Everyone else is stuck with their heads up their asses. I hate to say it, but if you're not thinking about saving the world, as it actively collapses, your head is way far up your ass.

Or, maybe you're like me, and desperately trying to survive.

I hate that we live in a world where evil, exploitive men are at the top—not helping the people, not helping the planet. All self-serving. It sickens me.

And with the ongoing political disgustingness happening, I have to tell you—these last couple of weeks, I have really asked myself, what is even the point?

My mental health is struggling.

I'm being driven to get a job that my soul doesn't want. I don't ever see myself working a 9-5 office job again. I don't see myself ever spending hours of my life sitting in LA traffic, and I have no desire to.

I want, need, and desire flexibility. But that's the thing—it's not just a me thing. It's a human thing.

The capitalist system makes you feel crazy for wanting to live and experience your own humanity.

It kills me.

I know I can get jargony here. I'm trying to better communicate these thoughts. I know not everyone studied Sociology at Berkeley or continues to practice their paradigm.

Ready to Give Up

The last couple of weeks—on top of chronic stress, low sleep, eczema flares, the state of the world—I was seeing no purpose.

I was ready to give up.

But I got a very strong message from my ancestors, whom I have been trying to connect with through my energy work. Last year, they told me to "build it, because they will come." And at the culmination of this mental health episode, they told me to “warrior up”.

"What does it mean to put your belief system into your body?" —Peter Sellars

Well, that's part of the warrioring-up I am doing.

But the other is training and practice, because this world is not getting any easier, only harder to live in. This is intense duality. The yin and yang. Two opposing forces existing at the same time. That is life.

But our society trains us to live in binaries.

Reject the binaries.

Holding space for two powerful energetic contrasts: to want to live and fight, to want not to be part of this madness. Because what is the point?

That is my shadow work. And I am painfully facing it.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

Am I insane?

Sitting in the Contradiction

To come on here and say my business is failing—it's embarrassing, it's shameful. Thank you, KPpop Demon Hunters, for giving me the confidence to name this out loud. To say that I'm at the brink of losing it. I feel sad, disempowered, defeated, and rejected.

This fall season for me has been such a kick in the ass. And now that I'm coming up for air, I'm also really understanding the spiritual death that I am going through. I still don't see it fully, but I'm so glad winter solstice is upon us because I don't know how much more of this failure I can take.

I write this because when I started Thriving Human, I wanted to be transparent about launching my business, my process. I'm an archivist, after all—I love documenting, journaling, and sharing experiences with others.

But, apparently, I am a little autistic and can overshare. More on that further down.

The algorithms, though. Damn, does my ghetto ass want to beat the shit out of you. They have drowned my voice. And, to top it off, my own inner circle is disinterested in my endeavor.

Deep sigh that hurts.

I'm starting from scratch, and I am alone.

There’s only one other human I have met, recently, who has been supportive of my journey as a peer, and they have been a lifesaver. She was a gift to me from the universe, I know it. And my mom, she believes in me like no other.

And after several weeks of struggling through this, I have felt so angry. SO. SO. SO. ANGRY.

I'm still learning to deal with my anger because "calladita te ves más bonita"—a Mexican saying we're taught to repress our thoughts and feelings.

I'm also a Manifestor in Human Design. And when not living my Manifestor self, the outcome is anger. Gee, great. So what you're saying is that it's ingrained in my human design? Well, shit.

I can't fight what I am. And I'm done. I'm done trying to control everything because, confession: I'm a recovering control freak. But I mean, that's how society conditioned me. It's all around, from early on.

Perfect attendance (because kids don't get sick?). Straight A's (assuming everyone has the same access to good education). From the early conversations of "what do you want to be in your life," as if being one thing is the answer for the entirety of your life.

Man, I wish that I'd had guidance and mentorship early on. Access to wisdom from others who may have walked similar paths or are supportive enough to do so.

For much of my journey, I have felt I'm meant for greatness. But in terms of achieving it and getting there, it always seems like I'm always striving and go-getting.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.

And I'm only 35.

And it's when I say enough—when I stop listening to the external voices—that I find my clarity, and my peace, and my guidance.

What Authenticity Means

Sharing this very vulnerable post when they say "authenticity is not bare all, be strategic"—well, shit, all of that is variable. And that's what I wish people had capacity for: nuanced, expansive, open-minded, out-of-the-box thinking, and relatability to the human experience.

My spirit is so free. And this world has, for most of my entire life, wanted to contain it. Repress it. Dictate it. Correct it. Change it.

So, sitting with myself and saying, "Enough, what is the point? There is no point.” This is my reality—one I wish to share as a way of processing my experience. Because holding it in makes me feel crazier.

I keep being told:

"I admire your vulnerability."

"I wish I could be as open as you."

“This is not the time for your work” (implying the economy and the world collapse, making it so people can’t access this work, or have the desire to do it, because we are all trying to survive it)

Shit, I've always felt like I wasn't supposed to wear my heart on my sleeve, even though many times I do.

And I've also learned recently that I land in the AuDHD spectrum, which gives me that much more relational orientation to understand myself and experience in this world—because I always did feel different in my head. And the mask? Ooooh, the fucking mask. It's finally coming off.

And I, too, am getting to know who Miriam is, buried underneath who people wanted her to be.

In the Middle of This Change

So in the middle of this change—a new moon today, the last of the year before winter solstice—a fall equinox signifying withering, falling, decaying, dying. I feel ready for the big sleep.

I run my business by seasons, so naturally, that's what I'm doing and going through. It's feeling like a wild ride because metamorphosis is never a fun, clean experience.

I feel such relief for the change of seasons, as if the rest and hibernation will fix things. But the sad reality is that we operate within a capitalist system where EVERYTHING IS DRIVEN FOR PROFIT. AND THERE ARE NEVER BREAKS!

That means that if your existence is not somehow supporting the machine, on a day-to-day basis, you will struggle. You will be different. You may be ostracized.

My existence is a threat to the system.

It's why my voice gets drowned in socials.

And there are times when I want to give in and say there is no point. Why am I doing this?

What This Spiritual Death Has Bought Me

But then—when I really sit with it, when I stop measuring success by my bank account—I have to acknowledge what I've actually done:

I challenged the status quo.

I stood up to a boss bully.

I walked away when employers were exploitive and self-interested.

I stood up for what I believed in.

I'm living my truth.

I experience true joy and happiness while "working"—something I never had in that corner office.

I'm not being exploited, antagonized, and bullied by employers.

I'm creating. Writing. Dreaming. Building liberation-centered leadership frameworks. Future thinking.

I'm finding myself.

I am using my voice.

I'm choosing to live differently and challenge the machine.

That’s not gonna be easy.

I'm choosing a challenging route.

These aren't small things. These are the things people spend entire lifetimes searching for. These are the things people burn out trying to achieve while maintaining the "stability" of a 9-5.

I'm able to adjust my working hours to better align with my chronotype (thanks, Oura—what's the point of having data if you don't use it?).

Morbidity thinking helps me push through. I imagine myself on my deathbed, and ask myself, “If I die this week, would I be happy with my choices?” Is that dark? Maybe, but it works for me, and I found this approach in the coaching world, too. It’s as if it's part of human transformation. That is so telling of landing within my alignment.

And the truth is, I can't continue to live the way I have.

And I see (at least the performance on social media) that a lot of people feel this too. But then I wonder why I'm struggling to connect with any of those people.

People are not coming to Thriving Human, despite all my efforts. My shop is barely selling. I haven't had a coaching lead in months. No one has signed up for my groups.

And I don't know why. I don’t have a feedback loop, and it's killing me.

So it's further stretching me to learn, to expand, to grow, to think differently about pursuing this entrepreneurship goal. The most freeing yet terrifying experience I have ever been through.

Maybe it's the unstripping of who I thought I was. Who society wants me to be. What I should have acquired and achieved by now.

But all the rules are fake!!

They are not my rules, nor meant for me.

I don't fit in that mold. And I'm finally brave enough to yell it on top of a mountain. And challenge anyone who questions it.

I just wish I had this perspective in my 20s. But I'm thankful I have it now.

So yeah, this may be a spiritual death, so that I can further become who I am meant to be.

But Here's the Reality

The reality struggle right now, though, is my actual survivability. Because I'm not cutting even or making revenue—not even close to what my former salary was. That means too many complex adjustments and difficult choices. And I have a partner to think about. This isn't just my life it's affecting.

And if this isn't adulting—like, I'm finally an adult who may go bankrupt. Putting this out there, "What will people think?"

Well, the honest truth is, unless you are a supportive, understanding person who can understand me and what I'm going through—

I no longer care.

And that? That is also freedom.

And priceless.

Choosing to Warrior Up

After the struggle that was the fall season, I'm feeling the pull to warrior up and train like the war is coming—because it's actually already here.

So this is where I get to choose. To continue to trust and mend the relationship with my guides, ancestors, intuition, and clairvoyance. To live my truth and embody my belief systems.

I've always had the answers.

I'm done hiding who I am.

And I will continue to resist and do "business" differently.

Because we're all gonna go. And if I'm gonna go, well, I choose to go down fighting.

And I think the even bigger realization is that people are not ready for my work. And my work will likely only reach a special few who are ready.

And I hope to meet you soon.

I really, really hope to meet you soon.

But in the meantime, I'm training. And I'm building myself up for the spiritual war and the war against humanity we are living in now.

At least I'll know I died trying.

And I hope I can remember this when I lose sight of it again.

―

If you're struggling, here are some resources that may help:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357