Did I regress? What I Was Doing When I Stopped Dreaming
In psychology, regression is an unconscious defense mechanism where a person deals with severe stress, anxiety, or internal conflict by reverting to behaviors, emotions, or thoughts from an earlier, more secure stage of development. Originating from psychoanalytic theory.
One of the challenges I have is
...I have a lot
lol
okay,
it's 9:12 p.m.
I'm currently blasting the Winter is Coming Stark theme from Game of Thrones, that melody, my goooooood. It's chilling.
It wants to bring tears to my eyes.
That soundtrack is just amazing.
And as always, listening to orchestras and movie scores takes me back to one of my dreams.
I started playing the clarinet in 7th grade for my middle school elective.
I am so lucky to have taken that class and learned music from one of the coolest middle school teachers ever! His name was Mr. Rocc, and I have him to thank for teaching me music and getting me started.
[[This song is so beautiful, that I'm just gonna link it here so that you yourself can hear it:]]
Strings!!
The cello, omg, the violin!
Back to my dream —
I played music thru college,
but in high school I had a different dream.
I wanted to play clarinet in the orchestra for film scores.
Being the nerd that I was, I listened to the greats — Hans Zimmer, John Williams.
I saw the DVD extras where you see the score being recorded, behind the scenes,
and I remember thinking, damn, I want to do that!
But, I was a girl from Pacoima.
Aside from Richie Valens, I didn't know how someone pursues a musical career like this.
Imagine — something I like to believe in, the multi-timelines situation — and daydream.
I remember how ambitiously I pursued first chair in middle, and then high school.
I was ruthless, and my director knew it,
which is why I always found it odd he chose someone else as drum major when I thought I would be picked. I was assistant.
I think he was sexist.
Perhaps my leadership skills hadn't set in yet,
but I remember not caring to outshine the current first chair.
That is what playing music meant to me.
I wanted to be the best.
This is a vivid memory — and if I had any regrets, I bet this is the one that would come up on my deathbed: I loved music so much.
I was, back then, competitive to be the best clarinet, to be first chair, which I eventually was, and I really wanted drum major.
In college, I did one year of band. I was so astonished by how immense people's musical skill was there — I went to Cal, how could it not be? Students themselves wrote entire halftime shows, playing music since they were kids. The difference. I felt like AN IMPOSTER!!!
Instead of it propelling me to want to better myself in music, it made me feel basic and shamelful — I will never be near their skill level, I often thought.
What a mistake, I'd repeat over and over.
The college transition was hard for me, lots of lessons there.
Transitions in general, are hard for me.
And I think for many, they're just afraid to admit it.
But yeah, I regret not playing more music, because I LOVED it.
And sometimes I wonder — is that when I started to lose myself?
And after watching that Gael show on Amazon (Mozart in the Jungle — Gael García Bernal plays Rodrigo, a young conductor navigating ambition, ego, and the cutthroat politics of a major orchestra),
seeing how cutthroat it is,
I don't think that trajectory was for me.
I didn't have the imagination to pursue it,
the ability to think outside the box.
I was confined by what was expected from me back then.
College.
Job.
Get us out of poverty.
I remember the weight of being the first in your family to go to college,
how my family would say "mi hija nos va a sacar de la pobreza."
Dang, no pressure.
For the record, I tried.
I tried hard.
And I failed.
Life happens.
I didn't pursue a music career, I still dream about playing in an orchestra,
and as of 2 years ago I started a savings bucket for piano lessons,
but now I wonder if they should be for the cello, because damn!!!
And a year ago, I picked up my clarinet again,
trying to learn this song,
and this is when you know the universe is aligned,
synchronicities, as I like to call it.
When I went to my fiancé's sister's wedding last year,
I officially met his grandpa, who is in his 80s!, who ALSO plays the clarinet.
He STILL plays.
He, at that age, outplays me?
Wow.
Talk about goals.
And not only that, when we chatted about it, he told me that he had just played the song I was lerning in a small concert for friends and family.
Sychnronicities.
Because out of all the music out there, we landed on the same song.
He later e-mailed me his recording.
[[breh, this is a cultural, socio-economic schock that ima write about in the future]]
So at some point I was really questioning myself:
why did I decide that my life was over at 30?
Because for a long time, it felt that way.
If you think about it, the COVID pandemic was a global canon event for everyone,
but it also happened to be the year I turned 30 and my life completely changed.
Perhaps I'll write about it in another post, but in the meantime —
I had that realization: why is my life over in my 30s??
I found myself doing nothing of what brought me joy, made me happy,
and music was a big part of that for me.
I can tell how I'm doing in general with my relationship with music,
because it's such a big part of the core, genuine me.
When I don't feel it,
feel moved by it,
when old songs that used to move me don't affect me,
I know I'm not right.
My body and soul is going through something.
At 36, I can now name this pattern out loud.
Before making this a never-ending blog post, because my thoughts can sure run, and I am enjoying myself with this music —
I am vibing.
Who knew writing and listening to music could uplift me like this?
Me, I knew.
And this is why I'm challenging myself to show up for myself.
Earlier, I had a beautifully filled day taking care of my two nephews before they start school tomorrow.
Recovering from a cold, my energy was SPENT by the time they left.
Normally, I lay in bed for hours,
in the dark,
because all my energy is now gone.
But, I've been watching Airbender,
and am a known witch —
you can call me Brujelia.
I decided to keep my word to myself.
I can sit and write about my day, my thoughts,
process whatever I want, for at least 10 mins.
Guess what —
as I started writing and listening to music,
it's been more like 45 mins at this point... I'ma have to edit this gravely.
God, this soundtrack.
If you happen to love it as much as I do, can you let me know?
And back to dreaming.
Beyond sitting in an orchestra for movies,
one of the experiences in my life that I wish I could experience but know I will never is playing in a band in front of THOUSANDS of music fans and people singing back to you your music.
Talk about daydream.
That is a feeling I would love to feel.
That is not gonna happen in this lifetime.
But you know, if you walk away with anything, reader,
aside from sharing in this experience with me, processing my thoughts and days —
if I could advise anyone (even myself):
stop closing doors on yourself.
stop placing yourself in a box.
stop saying no to yourself.
Any way that you can hinder yourself,
just stop!
Because the difference between the people who live the dream and us
is that they went for it.
They didn't stop themselves.
And I think that's an incredible lesson,
and one I'm committing myself to never doing again.
But it's easier said than done —
that's where THE WORK comes in,
THE PRACTICE.
If you know me you know that I say "minute by minute practice,"
because especially when you are unlearning your old programming
and establishing new neural wiring,
you are going to speak and respond out of habit,
so you need to be conscious of this.
There will be an old self and a new self, and an in-between self.
I'm gonna learn about parts, because that keeps popping up for me and I think it's going to put into words a concept that I already think I know and understand.
So yeah,
let's finish there —
it's a perfect wrap-up part in the song. I'ma link them below because they are beautiful.
And if you take anything away from this today, it's to stop saying no to yourself.
Dare to dream.
Dare to grow.
Dare to pursue that goal you think is so crazy.
I may not be a rock star,
but I'm playing clarinet again,
and like my grandpa-in-law, who plays concerts in his elder community living.
Wow.
We're gonna go with that.
Til next time, adios y buenas noches.
Le Amazing Djawadi Playlist::
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